Is It Beer Then Liquor, Or Liquor Then Beer, Or Does It Really Matter?

By Chad Anthony on January 28, 2014

Beer or liquor, whatever your preference, allows you to loosen up and become more at ease with yourself and your surroundings.  Granted, sometimes becoming more comfortable can backfire in very odd ways; a chick could take a piss in your friend’s bed after a night of raging; or, a random couple finds it completely acceptable to go to Bone-City outside on the side of a house at 1:30 a.m.; or you could slap a chick’s ass only for her to slap you in the face.  Don’t get me wrong, alcohol is the great social lubricant.  Awkward business gathering?  Throw some tequila shots down Nancy the secretary’s gull and she’ll be singing Genesis’ “Land of Confusion” on karaoke faster than you can say Hornitos.  First date going horribly but can’t leave?  Order a pint or 5 of that delicious craft beer and let the verbal idiocy flow.

Image from collegexperience.net

The myth “Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear but beer before liquor, never sicker” still needs justification.  After pooling responses from two sides of the collegiate spectrum, the overwhelming majority of answers sided with the myth.  If you drink beer before liquor, you’ll yak.  When asked for a reasoning behind their answer, no one could muster anything more than, “I don’t know.  It just gets you super f*cked up, dude.”

From personal experience, I usually chill on a 6-pack and can be comfortably buzzed and not need a recovery day.  If the party is just starting, I know to stay away from hard liquor.  Quite honestly, I don’t like drinking slight derivations of rubbing alcohol.  Unfortunately, that hesitation toward liquor only lasts for the first hour or two of the party.  Why?  I get drunk and start drinking whatever is available.  That jet-fuel taste goes down a lot smoother when plastered.  Am I right?

Drinking beer before liquor puts the drunkenness in a ninja-like state.  It’s there, but we don’t know where or when it’ll strike.  If the beer drinking continues, the buzz or drunkenness can almost be timed.  Finish enough beer and you bet your Natty-loving ass a hangover is on the way.  If you commence shot time mid-beer drinking, the chance of a hangover increases exponentially.  The percentage of alcohol per ounce skyrockets, shortening the time between sober and sloppily telling a chick you have two half-brothers.  Continuing the shot process will only lead to your face in a trash can.  Flip the order of drinks and you could possibly have a better time.  Liquor first makes the drunk state come quickly, allowing you to taper off with beers as the night goes on.  But, taking 10 shots and chugging beers takes you down the same puke-riddled path.

Alcohol can be seen as that crazy friend with benefits.  If you were to be in a committed relationship, spending more than 5 hours a week with them, you’d implode slowly.  Sure, they’re super fun, spunky and the late night rendezvous never disappoints.  But, a 2-week bender will only leave you battered, throwing up, and regretting that 35th Yeager-bomb.  Drinking also makes that 100-lb friend into a sloppy, emotional little nuisance.  Why do we love to get sh-wasted all the while knowing the shitty side-effects?

“I can drink as much as you can!” She said with her face in a toilet.
Going drink-for-drink with a guy is not the best idea, ladies.  Russians and scientifically-inexpiable tolerances aside, chicks cannot drink as much as their male counterparts.  According to DrinkSmarter.org, women’s livers produce less alcohol-dehydrogenase, which is an enzyme that breaks alcohol down, allowing for the effects of drinking to last longer.  Guys have a higher percentage of water in their bodies as well, which means the alcohol is dispersed among a larger volume diluting the effects.  Still don’t believe me?  Maybe you’ll listen to Nick Swardson.

Image from Rottenecards.com


Being plastered.  It’s science.

Slugging drinks down your throat-hole sounds all fine and dandy in the moment.  You  probably need to stop dancing on the stripper pole, but drinking with friends always seems grandiose.  Why?  Because we’re all drunkskie and having a blasty-blast!

What we are actually doing is restricting the effects of glutamate  on the brain.  Sweet bro.  That frat douche glutamate makes sure your brain keeps up with your body and surroundings.  Pretty much, glutamate keeps you in the “sober” state.  Ethanol, the main product of alcohol in all its delicious forms, dilutes that bastard and let’s the slurred speech and wild dance moves flow.

That sprinkler dance move isn’t the only thing flowing.
Chances are, you’re visiting that disgustingly ratchet bar bathroom every other Jack & Coke.  Your bladder isn’t going crazy.  It’s just our crazy friend science.  See, alcohol is a diuretic.  Drinkaware.co.uk, a site for drinking facts and all your Tupperware needs, says that alcohol inhibits vasopressin, which is responsible for recycling and reabsorbing water in the kidneys.  With your kidneys on vacation, the biological process between your mouth and the toilet becomes expedited.

Forget the glass,  just give me the damn pitcher.
Let us bow our heads and put the sunglasses on.  Shut off all the lights and recite the Archer’s hangover prayer:

“For I am a sinner in the hands of an angry God.  Bloody Mary, full of vodka, blessed are you among cocktails.  Pray for me now that the hour of my death, which I hope is soon.”

Remember how alcohol makes you piss a lot?  Well, over time your body becomes dehydrated.  As desperate for water as Sponegebob in Sandy’s water-less home, your body freaks out and starts desperately searching for some hydration.  It saps water from the one place you need it most: the brain.  Your head hurts because your brain shrunk and is pulling at the membranes.  It feels like bashing your head against a wall a hundred times over.  Splendid.  Fellow Uloop National Columnist Megan Patiry dove into the Jell-O -shot-filled kiddie pool with her fantastic article about various hangover cures to stop you from pulling an Archer.

Hangovers, constantly pissing where convenient, and biological detriments aside, drinking can be a boat load of fun, especially if you have a boat full of beer.  But, what can be gleaned from this extrapolation of drinking?  The more intoxicated you get, the less time your glass stays full.  Bottom line: if you slow your drinking, the chances of a hangover are lessened immensely.

Alcohol is a trifling little bitch we all love.  Let’s just accept the relationship and have a pint.

Follow Uloop

Apply to Write for Uloop News

Join the Uloop News Team

Discuss This Article

Back to Top

Log In

Contact Us

Upload An Image

Please select an image to upload
Note: must be in .png, .gif or .jpg format
OR
Provide URL where image can be downloaded
Note: must be in .png, .gif or .jpg format

By clicking this button,
you agree to the terms of use

By clicking "Create Alert" I agree to the Uloop Terms of Use.

Image not available.

Add a Photo

Please select a photo to upload
Note: must be in .png, .gif or .jpg format